4 Steps for Navigating Sexual Desire

Collection: Body & Embodiment

Sexuality is a complex topic that blends the personal with the collective and the mundane with the sacred. We often engage with it privately, yet it is intertwined with broader cultural values and beliefs. This makes navigating sexual fantasies a delicate balance of desire, respect and consent.

In today’s world, especially with movements like #MeToo gaining traction, there’s a heightened awareness around the importance of boundaries—both physical and psychological—in the realm of sex and fantasy.

This post explores how we can engage with sexual energy in ways that respects both our own and other’s integrity, that don’t “steal” from others, nor diminish ourselves.

It starts with the power of consent in fantasies, discusses 4 steps to navigate desire without acting on it, and introduces the possibility of archetypal fantasies.

Detail of Passion. Collage by Eline Kieft (2.9.12)

The Power of Consent in Fantasies

The debate around consensual and non-consensual sexuality revolves around the necessity of mutual agreement. I would like to highlight three characteristics of consent:

1. Consent, by definition, is an active, informed, and voluntary agreement. 

2. Consent is dynamic and requires continuous communication—it cannot be assumed or granted indefinitely. 

3. Consent isn’t just about physical acts: it also includes emotional and psychological boundaries, including fantasising about someone without their knowledge and consent.

So all three of these points, (1. active and informed, 2. continuous and 3. including more than physical) means that even in the private space of our imagination, we need to respect the integrity of others, and I would add, ourselves as well. How do we dance between longing, desire and integrity?

4 Steps for Navigating Your Desire

You might rightly think that desire is just energy, and energy has to go somewhere. That is absolutely true. Instead of repressing arousal and desire, we can recognise it a wonderful part of being human. Unfortunately, there is a lot of shame and guilt around it, and we are generally not taught how to honour sexual desire without acting on it. This can take many forms, and doesn’t even need to involve another person.

So, what do we do when we feel a spark of attraction for a real existing person with whom we are not in a relationship? Think for example: attraction at work, or arousal during a medical examination or on the table of the body worker.

I believe the key is to acknowledge the attraction without projecting it onto the other person. Perhaps that is easier said than done, so here are four suggestions to work with this.

Step 1 is to practise recognising the power of sexual energy as part of your creative lifeforce without letting it morph into fantasies that cross personal boundaries. Apply mindfulness techniques to acknowledge you feel aroused, that arousal is happening. Wonderful, that means your life force is in motion.

Step 2 is reflecting on what created the arousal in the first place. If you are ovulating, the origin might be biological. Or it might have to do with unhappiness in your current relationship, and you’re unconsciously looking for a way out. You might be attracted to ‘danger’, or to a person who reminds you of someone else you had good times with. There can be many different sparks that light your fire. All of them are valid – and they tell you interesting things! Again, just acknowledging helps to not project our very natural feelings onto someone else.

Step 3 is setting aside time to celebrate your sexuality through solo exploration on a regular basis. Have a weekly sexy date with yourself, even if you’re in a long-term relationship. Fully owning and nurturing your own sexuality makes it easier to shift your thoughts away from your irresistible but happily married colleague, your boss, dentist, or whomever else ‘takes your fancy’… (interesting turn of phrase by the way!). I also believe that a regular orgasm does wonders for our self confidence, health and wellbeing.

Step 4 could be to engage in energy practices like Qi Gong that teach how to direct the energy of your creative life force energy to nurture organs and boost vitality. The ‘fire breath’ or ‘microcosmic orbit meditation’ for example is a simple yet deep experience of breathing sexual energy up the spine and down the front of the body which enhances our vitality, creates emotional balance and channels sexual or creative life force. If this is new to you, you can learn more here. An adapted practice is Ovarian breathing, which can help balance sexual frustration, as well as symptoms around menstruation and menopause.

Detail of 3/4 Trilogy Fire, Body & Senses. Collage by Eline Kieft (26.4.12)

Archetypal Fantasies

Now, fantasies are wonderful to integrate in Step 3 above. One way to engage with sexual fantasies in a non invasive way is by focusing on archetypes rather than real existing people. As a teenager, I was inspired by stories like Jean M. Auel’s The Valley of Horses, where sexuality was portrayed as a sacred act of mutual respect. The idea of being initiated into the art of love-making by someone who deeply reveres the body of the initiate, and who coaxes the heroine into self-discovery, has always stayed with me. In these fantasies, sex becomes more than an act of gratification—it’s a way to get to know your own body: what turns you on, where do you like to be touched? And it invites an attitude of sex as a reciprocal exchange of energy, a sacred contract.

Over time my sexual fantasies included the sacred marriage or hieros gamos in alchemy, sexuality as a commitment of the king who marries the land, fertility of the goddess bestowed on the traveler, the courage of the man who dares to make love to an old crone to find the love of his life, the innocent discoveries of teenagers exploring the others’ body for the first time and the delight in their own, making love to a shapeshifting mythical creature, meeting Pan (the horny God!) on the moss in the forest, or being the lover of the wind, the sun, the rain… There is one fantasy that always makes my partner smile – of my juices being drunk and celebrated to revere the divine feminine.

The possibilities of mutual, respectful, equal exchange are endless. Get creative! However, I would be cautious with archetypes that involve power plays. Stay mindful of the dynamics you invite – even in your imagination. Ask yourself why fantasising about situations with imbalanced or distorted power turns you on. Do you really want to reinforce dynamics of ‘power over’, involving for example police officers, prison guards, noble(wo)men or clergy? As they say, the wolf you feed will grow!

Detail of Passion. Collage by Eline Kieft (2.9.12)

The Sacredness of Sex

Ultimately, sex is sacred. Whether in real life or in fantasy, the way we engage with sexual energy matters. It’s not just about pleasure or desire; it’s about honouring ourselves and others in the process. 

We can choose to reclaim our sexual power without taking anything from anyone, and in doing so, we align with something far greater than ourselves. Whether through solo practices or conscious partnership, we have the opportunity to treat sex as a sacred act—a reflection of the divine within us.

In a world that so often commodifies or devalues sex, reclaiming it as sacred is a radical act of empowerment. Let’s create spaces, whether in reality or in our thoughts, where our and other people’s sexual energy is fully honoured and celebrated, without guilt, shame, or harm.

The small print...

• Image Credits: (top and bottom image) Detail of Passion. Collage by Eline Kieft (2.9.12) (Middle and featured image) Detail of 3/4 Trilogy Fire, Body & Senses. Collage by Eline Kieft (26.4.12)

• This post first appeared in the Feminism and Religion Blog as: Navigating Arousal and Desire: What do you fantasise about?